Title: I waited for this ?!

Author: cdkobasiuk

Fandom: Naruto

Warning: Crack!fic , four letter words, disrespect of other authors and universes.

Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Kishimoto-sama

Summary: What can I say? I projected my discontent onto the characters of Naruto.

I waited for this?!

By Catherine D. Kobasiuk

The night was warm and dry with bright stars twinkling down. Hatake Kakashi slumped into a bar somewhere in Konoha and paused to look around with his one eye. Spying a table with two jonin in the back he loped over. He folded his long and lean frame into a chair as he signaled the bar maid to bring him some sake. Genma and Raido already at the table watched the copy-nin with the barest of interest and when he had turned his attention back to the table, if not to them, they nodded and grunted a greeting.

The three jonin sat and drank without conversation until Kakashi had polished off his first bottle of sake without taking off his mask.

“Kuso!” Kakashi muttered as he waved his empty sake bottle at the barmaid. ”This is why I usually stick to “Icha Icha”. Those stories don’t make me want to go out and get drunk. Laid, yes; drunk, no.” He watched as the barmaid replaced his empty sake bottle. Then he eagerly filled his cup from the new bottle and drank it in two gulps.

Raido snorted and took another drink nodding in agreement.

“Oi! I warned you all when she killed off my favorite character that the series was going to come to a messy end.” Genma reminded his companions.

Raido rolled his eyes at Kakashi, “I’ve been getting ‘I told you so’s’ all day from him.”, he groaned. “He’s got no sympathy, Kakashi-san, so don’t expect any.”

“I’ve got plenty of sympathy for someone who deserves it, but the lot of you just had it coming.” Genma shot back then removed the senbon from his mouth and tossed back his drink in one go. All three men looked up as another person entered the bar. And then had to do a double take when said person was a green spandex clad ninja who walked sullenly up to the bar and ordered some alcohol.

Maito Gai took his bottle and cup in hand and turned and walked over to the table occupied by Kakashi, Genma and Raido. Sitting down he poured himself another cup and drank it down quickly. Turning to Kakashi the usually overly boisterous shinobi sighed. “My eternal rival, my Youthful Energy has been doused and sucked away by a literary cataclysm. I do not know how I will ever find my Youthful Joy again.”

Genma’s head hit the table with an audible ‘thunk’. “Crap Gai, it’s only a freaking book! Can you guys overreact anymore?”

Before any of the other men could respond to Genma’s question they were shocked out of their seats by someone screaming at the entrance to the bar. Jumping up and drawing kunai the four men turned to see Anko standing at the doorway looking extremely pissed.

“Damn it onna! What is your problem?” The senbon sucking jonin shouted at her. Anko stomped over to the jonin and slammed a book down on the table top.

“This is my problem!” She shouted back. The four male ninja looked down at the familiar book and heaved a collective sigh. “What are you four doing here anyway?” Anko inquired while dragging another chair over to the table.

“Drinking.” Raido replied as he resumed said drinking.

“Getting hammered.” Kakashi answered, while waving another sake bottle at the bar maid and holding up two fingers at her.

“Trying to find my lost Youthful Energy …while drinking” Sighed Gai as he tried to shake more sake out of his empty bottle.

“Putting up with this lame and depressed group, while getting hammered.” Groaned Genma, who then quaffed another cup of sake.

The barmaid brought two more bottles of sake and a cup for Anko and the five jonin fell quiet as they drank. The bar was quiet except for the sounds of the barmaid sweeping and the soft hum coming from the street. The five ninja looked up again as a hunched over old man hobbled in from the street. The wizened man stopped at the sight of the five shinobi and sighed and shook his head. Standing up straight the old man made the ram seal “Kai!” Now instead of a hunched old man, Tsunade the Hokage of Konoha stood at the door of the bar.

All five sour faced ninja just snorted and turned back to their drinks. Tsunade strode to the bar and ordered a bottle of sake for herself before marching over to the collection of downcast leaf ninja. Raido reached over and snagged another chair for the busty blonde.

“Thanks Namiashi.” Tsunade spoke as she sat down. ”So, I take it everyone here finished the seventh book?” The Hokage let her eyes slide over her ninja as she sipped at her sake.

“Not me! I wouldn’t go near any of it after the fifth book.” Genma barked, senbon twitching in annoyance.

“Argh! I can’t believe she killed off my favorite character.” Anko whined. “Do you know how hard it is to find strong female characters in popular fiction?”

“She killed off my favorite character too.” Raido muttered.

“Did she kill off everyone’s favorite character?” Tsunade inquired and received a round of nods and affirmatives from the assembled ninja.

“And you, Hokage-sama? Did she kill off your favorite character?” Gai asked softly.

Tsunade stared at the green clad ninja for several heartbeats before she answered. “Yes, but that wasn’t the most disturbing thing about the end of the book for me.” The blond woman shook her head and finished her cup then continued. “The plots just seem to run into a dead end, it felt empty and incomplete, even with that epilogue.”

“Ya, it just left me feeling hollow, like the characters, even the ones who survived just faded away.” Raido agreed.

“I knew she said it would get dark, but crap, if I wanted to see that much bloodshed I wouldn’t have read a book, I would have just taken another mission, or three.” Kakashi bitched. “I can’t believe I waited so long for that book.”

Any other opinions were interrupted with the ringing of a cell phone. Tsunade pulled a face and reached into her pocket for her phone. Hitting the accept button she placed the phone to her ear. “Moshi Moshi” She greeted and her eye brows rose. “Yes, I finished it; actually I’m sitting here with a group of discontent jonin discussing it right now. Uhuh…ya….I know. Do you really think so? No I don’t disagree. I’m sure he would agree with all of us. You’re kidding. OK, good luck with that.”

With a sigh Tsunade shut off her phone. “That was Orochimaru, he is so pissed off by the seventh book, he is planning on taking Manda over to JKR’s place and letting her know about it. He figures it won’t help with the book but maybe then Kishimoto won’t do anything lame when he sees what the backlash can be like.”

The other ninja at the table grunted and nodded before going back to their drinks. Time passed quietly for a little while then suddenly a large white haired man in geta burst into the bar.

“Aha, just as I thought! You are all here drowning your sorrows and wearing a blue funk! It’s a good thing I have the perfect cure for all your troubles my friends.” Jiraya effused as he strode over to his audience, filling the bar with his voice and energy.

“In my experience…” the Sannin began.

“What experience is that, old man, your experience sneaking into the women’s bath?” Quipped Tsunade.

The Hokage’s old teammate gave her a sour look. “No, my experience with books, and disappointment and life in general.” He shot back.

“Oh, your experience with getting thrown out of the ladies bath, then.” Tsunade grinned.

“With all due respect Hokage-sama, do you want your prize jonin to wallow in misery?” Jiraya crossed his arms and waited for a response.

“No, no that’s alright, go ahead and try to make them all less drippy if you can.” Tsunade waved her hand at her old friend.

“Like I was saying, in my experience the best cure for the end of one book is the beginning of another book and the best cure for absolutely anything is porn. So that being said I have here the early release of my latest Icha Icha novel. Icha Icha Beach Party. There is a copy for each of you.” The proud author declared as he handed out a book to each of the shinobi present.

Kakashi snatched his copy to his chest and squealed like a girl. He then promptly ran out of the bar so he could read his book at home.

“Wanna give it a try, Raido?” Genma asked as he thumbed thru his copy.

“I’ll try anything right now.” Raido declared as he tucked his book inside his vest and the two special jonin walked out together.

“What the hell.” Anko shrugged. “Hey Gai, don’t be shy, just go home and read it. It just might do the trick.”

“I am desperate enough to try anything too Anko-san, may I walk with you on our way home?” Said Gai as he rose and took Anko’s arm. They then left the bar together.

“Well Tsunade? You gonna read it?” Jiraya gave the busty blond a smirk.

The Hokage finished off her sake and stood. “May as well. I’ll at least get a laugh out of it, though you might want to send a copy to Orochimaru. He is in a foul mood too.”

Jiraya looked sideways at his old friend as they exited the bar together. “Screw that. He can buy his own copy, the cheap bastard.” And both Sannin laughed heartily.

owari

Authors notes:

We all know what book everyone had just finished reading, right?

I’d like to know if anyone had any idea who was whose favorite characters. Some I gave no clues, but I have opinions on them all.

Just so you know this crack!fic idea hit me while I was driving and bemoaning how I couldn’t think of book 7 without getting all depressed and annoyed.